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Hobson 6
Some Non-Sequential
Subjective Diary-Jottings
Pretending to be a Conference Report |
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by Jud Evans
(A mature to overripe graduate from the University of Central Lancashire) |
Thursday
I look at the key the helpful porter had
placed in my hand. The tag reads 'Hobson 6.'
Wearily I insert the key in the door and
enter the all-white painted room. I am pleasantly
surprised at its size and its contemporary
cheerfulness. I had expected it to be smaller
and pokier after negotiating the warren of
narrow stairs and short landings which led
to it. I put my two heavy bags down and lean
my back against the wall in between the two
windows with their long-drop orange curtains
and black and white eye-dazzling painting
of zebras.
I stride forward Cleese-like
and measure my paces - first one way, then
the other across the floor of the high-ceilinged
room. I feel slightly ridiculous - why am
I doing this? It measures eighteen feet both
ways. I look up and note the single electric
fitting on the ceiling with its energy-saving
bulb and alongside it the slightly minacious
nozzle of a sprinkler-system.
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| Chair Edward Grefenstette [dark suit]
flanked by other BUPS officers |
It suddenly comes to me why
I am obsessively recording the furnishings,
layout and appearance of this room - I want
to remember and savour everything about the
place whilst attending this Winter Conference of the British Undergraduates
Philosophy Society.
I still haven't recovered properly from the
first sight of this emblematic example of
British culture. Of course I am delighted,
for my paper was selected out of many by
the officers of the BUPS together with certain
academic members of one of our greatest universities.
The piece I will read on Sunday is on *Eliminative Determinism* - my own creature - and it was honed against
the constructive carborundum of the great
minds on the Yahoo Analytical Indicant Theory and Nominalist
Lists, for which I thank my friends for their constant
stimulation and perceptive insights.
I stagger along Trumpington
Road weighed down by my heavy load when I
initially catch sight of it - the imposing
metal gates, the grass-covered quadrangle;
the ancient atmospheric beige-coloured buildings
that flank it. It is at once redolent of
a mixture of Tom Brown's Schooldays by Thomas Hughes and the novel
by Evelyn Waugh - Brideshead Revisited.
*I [hold] it truth, with him who sings,
To one clear harp in divers
tones,
That men may rise on stepping-stones
Of their dead selves to higher things.*
—TENNYSON. |
St. Catherine's College was founded in 1473 and is situated in the
centre of Cambridge. It was largely rebuilt
in the 17th century with work on the Main
Court beginning in 1673; the Chapel was completed
in 1704. The College comprises the Master,
Professor David Ingram, 58 Fellows and Research
Fellows, some 150 graduate students, and
about 410 undergraduates.

It is love at first sight. I
drop my cases to the ground and stare at
it in disbelief and almost weep that because
of my working-class origins I had missed
out on it when I was a young enough man to
fully experience its delights.
As a snotty-nosed street-Arab
from the back-streets of Liverpool, Cambridge
University has always appeared in my mind
as a wondrous upper-class 'otherworld' -
a Wizard of Oz place invoking plebeian wonderment, curiosity
and admiration. An essentially *British*
place - where all the better disparate influences
of Britishness converged and had their felicitous
copulation, which later resulted and gave
birth to world-changing ideas that in spite
of the eventual parturition that followed in the break with America
- are still ensconced as the empirical bedrock
of commonsense in both of our countries.
I know [that like parliament]
it will feel a bit like being in church -
but I am ready to carry out my obeisances
and kneel in the quad and stay awhile as
the hirtenschalmei, the rebecs and the sackbuts
strike up, whilst I am danced around by the
parti-coloured gangling gallimaufry of philosophical
opinions.
I think about my car parked
in the outer suburbs of Cambridge in order
that I can save the seventy pounds parking
charges it would cost to leave it in one
of the overpriced multi-storey car parks
in this car-choked city for the four days
of my stay. Is it false economy - will it
be vandalised in that dark, windy lane outside
that factory in the northern outskirts? Is
a seventy quid saving worth the four days
of worry?
I rest my laptop computer
upon the lime-wood desk which shares a wall
with a sink and small square matching low
table. There is a single bed covered by a
white duvet and two pillows. Beside the bed
is a locker with three drawers and a small
lamp with a globular base rests upon it.
On one wall there is a small fireplace covered
in with a blank, for the room has been modernised
and equipped with a five-foot panel central-heating
radiator. Recessed wardrobes containing plenty
of hanging-space have been provided on either
side of the fireplace.
I deliver a verdict
upon the room -*cosy and clean.*
Could this be the actual fireplace
that Popper, Wittgenstein and Russell sat
around arguing when the wild-eyed, tousle-headed
metaphysician who was Hitler's classmate
grabbed the poker and had to be restrained
by the diminutive Lord Russell from hitting
the petrified observationalist-inductivist
Karl Popper over the pate with it?
It is rectangular without any decoration.
It appears to be modern even to have dated
back to the thirties or forties. The only
item that might be of any age is the wooden
mantelpiece which is supported by a decorated
architrave - but even that can only be late
Victorian?
Suddenly feeling tired, I lie on my back
on the bed I look at the painting of the
zebras. The stripes make my eyes hurt so
I close them.
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Within minutes of my head hitting the pillow the show begins and
Popper cowers back in his chair his hands
raised protectively. The poker in Wittgenstein's
hand exists in the cosmos as a swirling,
ever-changing catenulate conglomerate of
moiling molecules. The very sight of it in
the eyes of the three seated philosophers
imbue it with Berkeley-like existence.
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*What do you
have in your hand?*
Russell asks harshly.
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*Es ist ein Feuerhaken* screams the wild-eyed Wittgenstein shifting
his weight nervously from foot to foot as
a snow shower of dandruff floats downwards
from his unkempt hair to coat the grey cinders
in a Christmassy white.
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*The word 'Feuerhaken' is just
a linguistic label,*says Russell calmly, knocking the ash from
his pipe into the fire grate -
*‘It’ is a collection of atoms forged by
a Schmied into it's present shape and modality
to which the 'is-word’ indicates, and like
a cinema-usherette pointing her torch guides
you down the darkened aisle of identificatory
designation and bespeaks to that which we
have given the name ‘poker’* an object
to which you in your God-forsaken language
- which Heidegger comically upgraded and designated
as the natural linguistic inheritor of ancient
Greek - have attributed the word
'Feuerhaken'
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Wittgenstein stands there trembling.
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*I suggest that you put the poker down and
try to control yourself,* says Russell quietly - “otherwise some Polizist will have to stick
an additional label on that collection of
atoms which you hold in your hand - DIE TATWAFFE
- THE MURDER WEAPON' - and we don't want
that do we Mein Freund Dudwit?*
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*Actually his name is Ludwig,’ Popper’s faint but helpful voice floats up
from underneath the table.
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*Occasionally the object is referred to in
Die deutsche Sprache as a 'Schrühaken'* whimpered Wittgenstein, replacing the poker
with exaggerated, pantomime care, as if it
were created by a glass-blower rather than
a smith. He was obviously under the impression
that this titbit of arcane linguistic information
would somehow ameliorate the situation.
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I am not even sure which was the Cambridge
College [1] in which the alleged incident
happened never mind the room - could it have
been St Catherine's in the very room where
I sit and type to ward off my sudden loneliness
at the separation from my wife and three
boisterous young boys?
I promise myself I will check it out with
more knowledgeable folk in the morning.
One wall is fitted with a large
8' x 4' display board. It is covered in dark
brown baize cloth. On it a solitary typewritten
sheet hangs crookedly. I discover it
outlines the charging routine should one
decide to use the white wall-mounted telephone
that hangs between the two curtained windows.
The board also boasts a Robbie Williams calendar
pinned through its metal-spiralled spine
with three drawing-pins. It is open at the
page for the month of November 2006 - it
is the 14th of December 2006 today.
The singer is pictured with the top part
of his heavily tattooed body and hairy chest
unclothed. His handsome face and impressive
white dental-job is gashed by the most grotesque
false smile I have ever seen.
The room is silent, but in the
background there is the sound of something
mechanical - something revolving accompanied
by a tinny vibration noise. It must be the
central heating pump that distributes the
hot water to the other rooms that are situated
in higgledy-piggledy randomness throughout
'Hobson.’
FRIDAY.
I was first down for breakfast at 7.45. PM.
There had been a Christmas Party the night
before so the dining room looked as if a
bomb had hit it. The food was good. At 10.am
I wander over to The Ramsey Room on the far side of the quad and introduce
myself to the chairman Edward Grefenstette
and some members of the committee who were
putting the finishing touches to the room
and registering any delegates who were early
arrivals.
The keynote and opening speaker at this conference
is Professor Simon Blackburn who I much admire
for what he wrote about the dreadful Heidegger
and his thrill-seeking thurifer-thrall Hannah
Arendt. Simon Blackburn is Professor of Philosophy
at the University of Cambridge. Until recently
he was Edna J. Koury Distinguished Professor of
Philosophy at the University of North Carolina, Chapel
Hill, and from 1969 to 1990 he was a Fellow
and Tutor at Pembroke College, Oxford.
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The eminent Cambridge academic isn't due
to speak until 1.30pm - so we are free
to wander around the city centre and take
a look around. I elect to accompany General Committee Member Joe Cunningham (Heythrop) and BJUP Sub-Editor: Ryan Dawson (Cambridge) on a quest for food - both prove to be charming and stimulating
companions for such an important excursion.
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Ryan Dawson
(Cambridge) |
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Joe Cunningham
(Heythrop) |
Back at 1.pm
and Professor Blackburn showed up and the
conference kicked off.
He gives a fascinating
talk on Disjunctivism for three-quarters of an hour. It dealt
with re-thinking ‘becoming aware of something via the senses’ as perceptual participation. The explanation
explores the connection between the definitive
nature of perceptual content on the one hand
and the acting and perceiving of the sum
or range of what has been perceived, discovered,
or learned on the other.
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| Prof. Blackburn [left] Hoping some of his brilliance will rub off
on me |
I chip in at question time and
preface my remarks by telling him that I
am probably his oldest groupie and that I
aren't speaking metaphorically either. I
then ask him if he could kindly characterise
what he meant by 'situations' and ‘combinations of circumstances' which were terms that had figured a lot
in his lecture. I mention that I am an Eliminative
Determinist and make a reference to
the fact that for me 'situations, states of affairs and combinations
of circumstances' don't exist and that only the material
objects that are actually extant can be discovered
together or apart in what humans called the
'circumstances' that *exist* in the world.
To my amazement he takes the idea on board
and says that such a view presents
problems for disjunctivism [and much else]
and that more thought should be given to
such an approach.
Whether this is a standard
answer of his to such undergraduate interventions
I will never know. It would not have actually
worried me if he HAD vigorously opposed my
rigorously reductionist ideas, to employ
a maritime metaphor, for the Eliminativist
Fire-Ship had already been hermeneutically
heeled, the parasitical barnacles of *Being* scraped from the copper-bottom [where they
infest all craft, and hamper progress.] The
vessel has been trimmed for sea and any leaks
cognitively caulked. The anti- transcendentalist
tar-barrels are already hoisted to the thwarts
in readiness to be torched and dropped on any
would-be boarders if the need should arise to repel any buccaneer bearers of the
banner of the infamous belief in *Being* that infest academic waters and prey on all
philosophical vessels of exploration.
Worst are the double-eye-patched
sea-dogs who garland their necks with strings
of French onions and smoke endless packets of Gauloise [Golliwog was a World War II British naval slang for
a Gauloise cigarette, because the tobacco
was nearly black in colour ] that crew the garrulous unseaworthy, top-hampered
galleons of continental philosophy. Their hulks are
shot through with the Teredo-worm and dangerously
loaded to the gunnels with countless barrels
of sauerkraut with which they feed their
ravenous transcendentalism.
I find Professor Blackburn
to be charming and a wonderfully accomplished
extempore speaker, matched only in his
profound knowledge of his subject matter
and lack of any need for notes by the amazing
Craig French of Heythrop College, University of London - a BUPS committee member whose role
is to liaise with individual philosophy societies across the UK, offering advice
and support. Craig flawlessly romps through
his fascinating twenty-minute *Non-Epistemicism, Hinge Propositions and
the Many faces of Scepticism* without more than a couple of quick squints
at his complicated but profoundly interesting
paper. Simon Blackburn is obviously highly
respected and much esteemed by the younger
set of philosophers.
We are all invited to
join the conference delegates in a Cambridge
pub crawl, but the thought of trailing around
as an elderly 'tail-end-Charlie* with crowd of youngsters out on the razzle
was not a prospect that appealed to me. In
any case, I am due to spend a couple of hours
with a relative based in the south who has
volunteered to catch a train to Cambridge
and spend a couple of hours with me.
After meeting my relative
and going to a local pub for a snack and
a drink, I walk him to the station
and I jump the shuttle bus [Park and Ride] and ride out to the suburbs to check out
my car. Apart from the windows being splattered
with bird-shit it seems OK. I hadn't realised
that a nearby electric pylon was a favourite
gathering place for crowds of starlings,
and the car looked as if somebody had sprayed
it with the contents of the nearby local
sewerage farm. Talk about being shit on from
a great height!
Whilst I am removing the worst
of it, our eldest boy Cameron rings me on
my mobile to have a chat. It is surrealistic
talking to him in some God-forsaken dark
lane in the south of England, with
the phone in one hand whilst spraying the
vehicle with car-shampoo with the other.
After that I catch the shuttle-bus
back to the centre.
I am quite happy sitting here on my
own in this restaurant in Trumpington Street.
I treat myself to a slap-up meal
and a bottle of Turkish Kavaklidere 2002 "Yakut" (Oküzgözü
d'Elazig ) It's a clear ruby in colour. This
Turkish red breathes pleasant if subdued
aromas of black plums and cherries.
I lounge here at the table and observe
in others how I used to act myself
long ago. I refer to the young, for Cambridge, is the city of youth. I sit eating
my vegetable goulash watching the quick body
movements, the animated faces, and listen
to the fast confident talk, the flirting,
the occasional peals of laughter and the
squeals of delight. But the taste of the
wine makes my eyes grow wet with tears as
I remember the good old days and my friends
of yore when I owned a hotel in that pleasant
land from where my wine originates and all
the world was young. I recover quickly. Covertly
I dab my eyes and mull over the day's events
at the college.
I knock back more of the Oküzgözü d'Elazig but it proves too much to drink all at once.
*I'm afraid I can't manage the whole bottle,* I say to the swarthy waiter. ‘I will pay the bill now - could you kindly
put a cork in the bottle - I will take what
I can't drink now back to the college.’
More soon.
For a lighthearted look at *Wittgenstein's Poker* click here
NOTES
[1] On the evening of Friday, 25 October
1946 the Cambridge Moral Science Club - a weekly discussion group for the university's
philosophers and philosophy students - held
one of its regular meetings. As usual, the
members assembled in King's College at 8.30, in a set of rooms in the Gibbs
Building - number 3 on staircase H. That
evening the guest speaker was Dr. Karl Popper,
down from London to deliver an innocuous-sounding
paper, 'Are There Philosophical Problems?'.
Among his audience was the chairman of the
club, Professor Ludwig Wittgenstein, considered
by many to be the most brilliant philosopher
of his time. Also present was Bertrand Russell,
who for decades had been a household name
as a philosopher and radical campaigner.
Quoted from; ‘Wittgenstein's Poker’ by David Edmonds and John Eidinow. Review
accessed November 21, 2001 Guardian Unlimited
http://books.guardian.co.uk/firstbook2001/story/0,10486,603100,00.html
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